Anger the Combustible Emotion
and how emotions spread thru individuals, families and communities
Learning to control your emotions and not be controlled by your emotions is a life skill that some families do not pass down to children. Some families, instead of passing down problem-solving and conflict management, teach each other escalation and how to “set it off”. Controlling your anger would be best to ensure a more efficient path toward goals. Your emotions, especially fear and anger, can be a roadblock to your potential. But success depends on focusing on problems, de-escalating conflicts, and avoiding prison, actions most violent people ignore. Furthermore, anger can ignite and spread.
Anger is like gasoline; it can accelerate a fire or fuel your truck to take you where you want to go.
Anger is a human feature. Being angry alone doesn’t make you scarier or more assertive, nor does it mean that you are mean or an unsafe person to be around. Anger should be a healthy response to pain, betrayal, threats, unfairness, or fear. These are ordinary demands of reality that we all face in life, which motivate us to act. Anger plays an essential role in keeping us safe and reinforcing boundaries. One can be angry without exhibiting anti-social behavior or violence, but it requires being at peace.
Too often, people are not at peace and have learned the wrong strategies to manage anger. Many grew up in an unhealthy environment from which they developed entitled, unresolved, suppressed, or unnecessarily sustained anger.
Entitled and Enmeshed
Some people get angry because they didn’t learn to take no for an answer. They did not learn boundaries, their responsibilities, and other people’s responsibilities. People who grew up like this may feel owed and entitled to control people or other people’s belongings. They may feel like boundaries are a punishment or an insult which can lead to anger or full-blown temper tantrums.
Some people feel entitled and erroneously believe they are an authority figure for everyone who crosses their path. These entitled adults are accustomed to controlling the people around them. Their family pressured them to share the same beliefs, opinions, and persona. These families had unspoken rules: opposing thoughts would be mocked, ridiculed, derided, or be cause for a beating. These enmeshed families share some common dysfunctions:
1. No privacy
2. Parents are needy, easily hurt, or easily betrayed
3. Parents act as if children are their friends, spouses, or sibling
4. Over-involvement and overbearing personalities and opinions
5. Infantilization of adults
6. Constantly having to consider others’ feelings or manage them over your own
7. Independent choices are criticized or viewed negatively, like moving to a new place, getting a new job, getting married
8. Problems that all family members are looked at to solve (school problems, sibling rivalry, individual failures)
9. Seeking to expand their control wider over girlfriends, friends
10. Ceaseless gossiping
Often, these family members portray themselves as victims when things don’t go their way, but they are victimizers intent on manipulating or pressuring others to give them control. Not surprisingly, people who grow up in enmeshed homes believe that the way they do things, or the way their family does things, is the only way. They often feel slighted or need to display their disapproval, sometimes violently. They may overshare with strangers and believe that people should care more than they do, leading to anger when others are indifferent or attempt to enforce their boundaries.
It would help if you learned to accept no without getting angry. You may believe that people need your direction more than they do, and you may be addicted to crises (because this is what love feels like to you). You may get angry when people don’t “hold you down” because you believe you must do the same. You don’t need to overshare your issues, why you’re late, or what you’re planning. You might not be angry as much if you did less and learned how to let go of what wasn’t meant for you in the first place. You must own and accept boundaries.
No Control and Powerlessness
In dysfunctional environments, people often don’t develop autonomy or a good sense of self which can be damaging. It’s natural and essential to want control of yourself. Toddlers go through this separation stage using the word “no” and throwing tantrums. Adolescents are notorious for asserting their independence and power.
Children and victims in environments in which they cannot say “no” to maintain their autonomy often have arrested development. Abusive and overbearing parents attempt to ensure their victims don’t tell anyone about the abuse or justify their parenting. Making the individual afraid and ashamed of their anger is often a way to silence and control them. The abusers may constantly remind the abused that they’re “all they’ve got” and that outsiders don’t care. Abusers may insist that their behavior is out of love and that they are doing their best and doing more than the other parent. Lastly, the parent may submit that if their best isn’t enough, something is wrong with the child, not the parent. Overcontrolled or abused children become convinced that their feelings don’t make sense. Instead, they focus on avoiding conflict with their parent or abuser. Feeling powerless, they may shut down or turn to isolation because they fear confrontation, rejection, loneliness, abandonment, or punishment. They can become detached, feel “dead inside,” and struggle to maintain focus. As adults, these abuse victims may turn to overwork, being a perfectionist, or having feelings of panic. These coping responses (fixing, flight, freezing, and fawning) can be overwhelming and exhausting, leading to hopelessness and outbursts.
You need boundaries. And if you have boundaries, be prepared for someone to be angry with you. Control your anger and realize that their anger is not yours to fix.
Taught Not to Cry
Teaching kids to suppress anger or not to cry is telling them to suck it up and that no one wants to listen to them. When children are humiliated and told not to weep, they learn they cannot trust anyone enough to talk about their feelings. Feelings of shame, disobedient, weak, or senseless can be confusing. Negative emotions like sadness, disappointment, boredom, inadequacy, helplessness, guilt, loneliness, being overwhelmed, failure, shame, jealousy, depression, resentment, regret, remorse, and grief can be challenging to express.
Not being allowed to be angry or express anger only results in hiding anger. Bitterness is there, and the fury can be unleashed when given freedom. Children who cannot appropriately express anger understand later in life that if they don’t say something, the pain and suffering will only intensify. A sense of powerlessness or captivity can lead to pent-up anger and impulsive revenge. Even the slightest perception of being controlled, abused, or told what to do can lead to powerful emotions. Fight mode is inevitable and appears as bullying, raging, constant criticism, expecting perfection from others, dominating, impulse decision-making, stomping, throwing, slamming, aggression, and assaulting. Physical fighting is common when children have been beaten, whipped, or screamed at incessantly, witnessed domestic violence, and learned violence from a violent mother or father.
Other people’s anger may be triggering.
When several families grow up in an isolated culture, it is easy to see how people communicate poorly. When words cannot express their feeling or resolve conflict, they resort to what they do know, which is anger and violence. A disagreement, a misunderstanding, or a competition can be like walking on eggshells or IEDs.
When angry, people who cannot or will not regulate their feelings, words, or behavior represent a danger to those who grew up in that environment, thus triggering more anger. When you grow up knowing that anger typically leads to somebody getting hurt, you’re going to prepare accordingly. You don’t see anger for its original design, a signal to focus, and energy to defend yourself or loved ones.
How to Control Anger Immediately
Anger is always your responsibility to manage because your perception of triggers activates your response and behavior. Words wouldn’t make you angry if they were in a language you didn’t understand. Others' actions wouldn’t make you mad if you didn’t interpret them negatively.
You have five opportunities in any given circumstance to control your anger.
The Trigger Doesn’t Have to Trigger Your Anger
You don’t have the gravitational pull for every event or person to revolve around you; most events carry little significance in the long run. If you won’t remember it in 5 years, it is not worth much thought, let alone negative thoughts.
Reconsider Negative Thoughts
Events don’t cause anger, but judgment will. Notice that you are telling yourself how to feel, and your self-talk is causing you to feel angry. Stop the inner talk and take notice of the other sounds, voices, and needs in your presence.
Self-Monitor Your Emotional Response
Try to describe your feelings with words in complete, calm, loving sentences. Notice that your mind and emotions are moving faster than you think. Ask yourself what a wise person like Buddha would do.
Calm Your Physical Symptoms
Notice the physical changes like your voice changing, scowling, or tensing muscles. Throughout the day, notice if you are tense because you may already be anxious when no one is around.
Postpone Your Behavioral Response
Wait until your feelings of anger have naturally abated before you decide how to respond to the situation. Feel your body moving and realize it is likely the wrong move. Stop escalating erratic body movements like stomping or slamming. Be still, breathe calmly, walk away, and come back a few hours later when you’ve thought through the causes and consequences.
Being angry is not a failure of discipline or morality; it is the behavior that you choose that is a testament to your self-control and character. You have the right to anger but not to lose self-control, be anti-social or hurt someone. Uncontrolled anger tells a story that you’ve been battling all your life. You don’t fight fire with fire. You must extinguish anger with love for yourself or others, so choose now and choose wisely.
So much important information in your words. Controlling one's anger or emotions is a skill that many never learn. Especially if growing up in a violent dysfunctional household. And then the cycle of violence continues on and on. Many people don't even have a desire to control their anger. They think being a hot head is about respect & pride. Those people have it all wrong . So much crime & violence could be avoided if more people could control their anger & instill those skills in their children as well. Kids would also do better in school and relationships if they were better able to manage their anger. This is a subject that needs to be talked about a LOT more.