Often, anger is fear. Some people express anger when they fear being alone, unwanted, and not good enough. In an environment where people walk on eggshells, there is a constant fear of setting someone off. Saying or doing the wrong thing in a dysfunctional environment can lead to confrontation, being chronically ignored or taunted at length. So, we decide to "keep the peace" by staying quiet, avoiding eye contact, or making ourselves small. You may overexplain to "avoid the drama." You may perform to preemptively "set the stage" for a good time. It’s all performative really, out of fear. But what happens when you don't want to perform anymore? What happens when you don't want to be afraid anymore?
Living in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing dismantles your "authentic self." Who are you really if you are anxiously performing for others? Some people harbor a lot of anxiety, don't know what to call it, and don't know where it came from or what to do with it all. Learned fear responses/reactions like being defensive and overexplaining give you an insecure personality. Insecurities can end good relationships before they start. Fear responses can be proactive, reactive, and overreactive. Building or keeping relationships based on fear weakens the foundation of that relationship. But your insecurity and fear responses didn't come out of nowhere; they came from your adaption during a personality-altering experience or environment.
When the people around you are unpredictable, you try to find a pattern to be safe. In toxic cultures, unpredictable people are seemingly everywhere. A constant loom of fear of outbursts, embarrassment, abandonment, abuse, or violence is a toxic culture, and anywhere or anybody can have a toxic culture. When all day, every day, your brain is learning, "if you touch a hot stove, you can get burned," you may believe that anyone can be a hot stove. In reality, not everyone is a hot stove, and not everyone is a threat. Most people want you to be comfortable, relaxed, and whoever you are authentically. As you grow, you learn that you also "just want to be yourself" and not "worrying about other people think"; you want to live free of fear. To live free of fear is to live bravely. You may not have the communication skills and boundaries necessary to live bravely.
When You Overreact
Our world is based on a mental model shaped by environments, experiences, and beliefs. To change our perception of the world, we must change our experiences and beliefs. Living bravely is believing that outside of a physical threat, nothing can destroy you into obliteration.
Overreacting can be broken down into overexplaining, oversharing, overthinking, overdoing it, being overly angry, and "doing too much," as the saying goes. When you overreact, your immature self is at the wheel driving your thoughts and behavior. Your mature self is in the backseat or on the backburner. The wounded immature self is attacking or defending because they believe their survival depends on a specific action like shutting down, giving clear warnings of violence to come, or being violent. Violence is rarely ever needed in life. Decent relationships in life only require clear communication and boundaries to get your point across, whether it's love, respect, or someone to understand what you want. You may not have learned, or you may have lost communication skills and setting boundaries. It takes time to be consistent with good communication and boundaries, and those muscles can be developed with practice. But to ever get started, you must identify emotions like fear so that you know what to communicate and where to set boundaries. You need to put the mature you, into the driver’s seat.
To start living bravely and not like a frightened pitbull, do the following:
1. Believe that you will not be hurt and certainly not beyond repair.
2. Believe that you are equipped for most interactions if not for your thoughts.
3. Accept that patience and listening are your best weapons in any exchange.
4. Find your fear. Ask yourself what you are afraid of at this moment.
5. Have sympathy for the fear. Be compassionate for yourself.
6. Ask yourself what you want and one small step to get closer to what you want.
7. Explain your fear precisely but know that you can only change you.
8. Fear is a demand of reality. You can't avoid being fearful. You can't avoid pain.
9. Don’t let fear stop you. Believe that you will either succeed or grow.
10. Facing fears regularly builds your courage muscle.
When They Overreact
Some people have deep-seated fears that can come out in almost a primal scream for help. When anyone strongly expresses negative emotions like fear or resentment, they long for their inner child's pain to be heard. The inner child from the past is the immature self in the present.
We must remember that when someone overreacts, their immaturity is their inner child wanting to be seen and heard. Speak to the inner child as if you were talking to that child who had just experienced some threat or fright. In doing so, we do not take any of their attacking words personally, so we're not tempted to attack or defend back. Instead, we listen with empathy and react with love as we would to a child. When emotional overreaction is ongoing, it is time for them to get help; it may be more help than you can provide or desire to invest in.
Courage
Fear is an emotional condition of exercising courage. And there are so many situations and relationships on your path to success that will require courage. If you ever want to succeed, you have to fail, face your fears, or deal with people in such a way that you can't hurt them, avoid them, or give them false impressions of you. Many people decide to avoid situations because they don't want to get hurt again; they're tired of getting hurt and afraid of getting hurt. Many people get violent because they don't want to be threatened; they're tired of feeling abused; they're scared of not being worthy of decent kindness and safety. Many people don't want to be rejected; they're tired of feeling unworthy and afraid of being alone. But pain, bullies, and loneliness are unavoidable; these are demands of reality. Some people don't have the skills to deal with reality's demands and need to ask why. If you grew up in a family, neighborhood, or culture where people don’t seriously take your fears to heart, it’s time to get some practice being authentic, sharing your fear, and courageously moving forward. Figuring out your fears will help you figure out what's holding you back.