Often, people grow up in environments where aggression is tantamount to survival almost daily, and thus, they avoid seeming weak. They fight off the natural reaction of sadness, regret, disappointment, and crying. The internal conflict overcompensates by swinging the pendulum far away from gentle, kind, and pro-social attitudes towards anger, violence, and discourse with the people in their lives. The repetition of chronic conflict rewires the brain and body to default to fight mode even when there is no battle to fight. But being in non-stop fight mode isn't normal for the body or mind. In addition to bad relationships, anticipation, and contemplation wears down the body, mind, and willpower. When nothing is left, it feels like there are no options, but the two choices are to go to war with the world or find a more peaceful existence.
Some people default to complacency, overreaction, bad habits, and addictions. A lot of people, however, break the mold and thrive, finding themselves in better relationships and a healthier mental state.
It takes a wise mind to decide when to be in fight mode and when to be free. Being free is being vulnerable with the protection of boundaries. Parents are supposed to enforce boundaries and we must learn to do it for ourselves. Where there aren’t sufficient boundaries, there is a lack of self-control. When there is a lack of self-control, there is a lack of trust within oneself and with others. Serious disorders can develop when people have little trust in themselves and others. Therapy and medication are often necessary to subdue common disordered behavior and anxiety. Even people with mental disorders or who are in a perpetual cycle of helplessness can take steps to feel freer and find peace.
Demands of Reality ®
To develop a wiser mind, you first accept you are one piece of a massive puzzle. It's not you against the world; it's you within the world. Bad things don't happen to you; bad things happen. Horrible, mundane, ordinary, fantastic, and crazy things happen all around you. While things can affect you, most events wouldn't mentally hurt you if it weren't for the perspective that you lucked up with. Your perspective was shaped before you were born, during your childhood, and in echo chambers. You can only control what you can control in the present and the one thing that you can control the most is yourself. Nearly everything about life outside of yourself is about exploring, solving problems, and managing risk. To tackle those demands you must do basic things well like sleep, eat healthy, exercise, and learn.
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Learning is the key
The key to learning is coachability. Anger and lack of trust get in the way of being coachable and learning. You must learn to trust yourself and when to trust others. Trusting yourself develops thru exploring and being open to new things. If you limit your explorations, you develop limited knowledge about your capabilities and what suits you. Some families and neighborhoods handicap people by limiting culture to what is or is not acceptable. So, it would also help if you recognized when others introduce limitations on your potential. You can belong to a group that won’t expire your membership when you reduce the risk to your mental and physical well-being. It’s not noble to sacrifice yourself or go to war for them, and they may need to learn to be capable of fighting their own battles. The more of other people's bad behavior you justify, the more you relinquish your boundaries and the trust you build in yourself. You lose your identity when you are so busy figuring out what makes other people happy that you don’t take the time to explore what makes you happy. You need to learn what gives you purpose and fulfillment.
If the people closest to you can't be trusted with your most authentic feelings and ambitions, you should not keep them close. Conversely, your people-pleasing behaviors lead to insecure relationships with everything including people, work, and even food. So reduce how much you have to stay on guard by distancing toxic or anti-social people. The key to quitting a lousy habit or person is replacing them with good habits and good people. Increasing your connections with healthy people will improve your mental state. You must develop a healthier attachment style by learning from healthy people.
Sometimes, people don’t learn their lesson in bad relationships. Even toxic people bring comfort because it's normal and doesn’t require much effort. If your parent constantly fights, your brain rewires to default to that normalcy. Be wary of calling this "comfort" because while you may expect it, part of you doesn't like it. Disorders and addictions are often recognizable with insight because part of your rational thinking knows that although it is familiar, it's not good for you. It can be challenging to remove yourself from people who are not suitable for you because part of you is confident that you can deal with it. This fixed thinking will keep you from growing.
You're a warrior in a war because you volunteer. You are who you are, but you should stop going down that familiar road. You can't change the events in the past, but you can change your history by creating new memories and new relationships that build a better past, present, and future for yourself. You must walk away from the war of toxic situations and into a garden of peace, growth, and prosperity. You must have growth thinking to keep from being fixed in an unhealthy spot.
Take off the armor
Envision yourself walking towards peace with every physical step and thought. As you take those steps, you must remember the truth of what you feel and why you think that way. Taking off the armor is just a metaphor for being conscious of when you are in a battle (most of the time with yourself or the people closest to you) and realizing that you are safe to vocalize your true thoughts. If you are constantly armored and have an ensuing struggle in your mind and emotions, you get fatigued; when you are tired, you can't go the extra mile; when you can't go the extra mile, you make bad decisions and take the easy route. Instead of resolving the root of the actual problem, the easy way some people take jumping into battle because you “stay ready” or “on 100". But an argument with a loved one is not a time for war. Despite what you learned, arguing with people you love shouldn’t involve yelling, fighting, insults, or guilt-tripping at all. It's a time for compassion, listening, and planning. Armor, fists, weapons, or hate are for enemies, so you have to ask yourself why you are treating the people you claim to care about like your enemy.
“It's better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.” - Ancient Proverb
Becoming a Warrior in a Garden
To start regulating your emotions, you must take an honest inventory of what you feel and why it makes you vulnerable. You can do this with someone you trust. And it would help if you often did this with someone who you want to trust and whom you want to trust you. Let the thoughts within come out of the person you want to be. Your future self is a loving you, a calm you, a present you. Allow your positive feelings a chance to speak and be expressive.
Use opportunities to challenge your new skills and a new attitude. Sometimes you can be as giving and kind as possible, and people will still crucify you, mock you or show a lack of empathy for your efforts. It can be tempting to react or respond with anger, especially when you have opened yourself or sacrificed a comfortable identity. First, remember that they have their past and issues, just like you. Some people are not ready for the change you are eager to make. You can cope by doing the following.
Say no by starting small. Independence is saying no to something to say yes to something else.
Express your opinion using the simplest words. There is no need to apologize or be repetitive.
Take a stand for something you believe in. The people who love you, won’t abandon you.
Stay kind. Your character should not depend on someone else’s bad behavior.
Stay calm. Being animated, loud, or out of control distracts away from the problem by making you the center of attention. Make learning to be calm a priority every hour.
Be assertive. Be warm, confident, and firm in identifying problems and communicating solutions.
The foundation of being a better person is to be kinder to yourself or others. Being kind can feel like a wasted effort when your kindness is ignored, rejected, taken as a weakness, or mocked. Kindness is not a weakness; it is a gift from the heart that you give of free will and on your own two feet. It is impossible to waste kindness, but your willpower wears thin. Depleted people find it hard to pour from an empty cup; their cup has been low or negligible for quite some time. But you can replenish your outputs by growing your inputs. Your inputs should be safe experiences, healthy people, inspiring music, and exemplary leaders. You cannot grow in war. To be a better you for yourself and others, you must cultivate all around you to mature and prosper.
This is article is food for thought. And it has the ability to create Warriors. This article certainly helps to understand the difference between a battle and a war whether with yourself or the world. Learning the difference is key because family isn’t the world nor is the world the family that we all grow up in together. When we realize that we are all here for a purpose in each other’s lives at different times, we’ll see how we all affect each other. Great article, “Warrior in the Garden”, it’s a very inspiring read.